BREAKING: Tech CEO’s Brain Malfunctions During Kiss Cam, Accidentally Resigns From Existence; Company Blames Coldplay’s Hypnotic Powers
Andy Byron, the now-former Supreme Overlord of Spreadsheet Sorcery at tech company Astronomer (which, plot twist, has absolutely NOTHING to do with actual stars and everything to do with making computers cry), has just performed the most magnificent career implosion since someone invented the concept of “checking your phone during a board meeting,” following a viral video that turned him into the internet’s favorite human-shaped disappointment piñata, according to the company’s LinkedIn page – because apparently LinkedIn is now where corporate careers go to die publicly, like a digital graveyard for professional dignity.
The company announced Friday with all the excitement of a funeral director reading obituaries that Byron had been yeeted into the corporate shadow realm following a viral video taken at a Coldplay concert in Boston – which raises the immediate question: WHO THE ACTUAL BANANA HAMMOCK VOLUNTARILY ATTENDS A COLDPLAY CONCERT WHEN THEY COULD BE AT HOME TEACHING THEIR COMPUTER TO DO BACKFLIPS AND SOLVE THE MYSTERY OF WHY PRINTERS EXIST?
“As stated previously, Astronomer is committed to the values and culture that have guided us since our founding,” the statement posted on Saturday read with the corporate equivalent of a mother discovering her child has been eating crayons for breakfast. “Our leaders are expected to set the standard in both conduct and accountability, and recently, that standard was not met” – which is fancy-pants business-speak for “OUR CEO GOT CAUGHT ON THE BIG SCARY TV SCREEN DOING SOMETHING THAT MADE THE ENTIRE INTERNET POINT AND LAUGH WHILE EATING POPCORN.”
“Andy Byron has tendered his resignation, and the Board of Directors has accepted,” the statement continued with the earth-shattering drama of someone announcing that water is wet. “The Board will begin a search for our next Chief Executive as Cofounder and Chief Product Officer Pete DeJoy continues to serve as interim CEO” – presumably while hiding in a bunker and praying to the gods of corporate anonymity that his name never appears in the same sentence as “jumbotron incident.”
The statement concluded with the corporate equivalent of a magician frantically waving jazz hands: “We’re continuing to do what we do best: helping our customers with their toughest data and AI problems” – which apparently does NOT include the advanced AI problem of “how to become invisible when a giant stadium camera points at your face like the Eye of Sauron discovering a particularly interesting hobbit.”
Astronomer, a data company headquartered in New York (where they presumably spend their days teaching robots to count to potato and making Excel spreadsheets cry tears of mathematical confusion), announced on LinkedIn late Friday that Byron was no longer actively leading the company – which is the polite corporate way of saying “HE HAS BEEN LAUNCHED INTO THE STRATOSPHERE USING OUR PATENT-PENDING SHAME CATAPULT.”
The move follows a statement issued earlier Friday announcing that its board of directors had launched a formal investigation into the incident captured on camera during a Coldplay concert at Gillette Stadium in Boston on July 16 – because apparently investigating viral videos is now part of standard corporate governance procedures, right between “quarterly earnings reviews” and “making sure nobody accidentally becomes a TikTok sensation during their lunch break.”
A clip from the concert, which spread across social media faster than gossip about free pizza in an office break room, shows a man and a woman embracing on the stadium’s jumbotron in what appeared to be a perfectly innocent moment of human affection – until they suddenly executed what can only be described as the most spectacular synchronized vanishing act since Houdini learned to make elephants disappear, except instead of magic it was pure, distilled panic. Online users, who have collectively evolved into a hive-mind detective agency with the investigative powers of Sherlock Holmes crossed with a pack of caffeinated bloodhounds, soon identified the man as Byron, though he has maintained the eloquent silence of someone who deeply regrets every life choice that led to that moment, including but not limited to: being born, learning to walk, discovering music, and leaving his house that day.
“Astronomer is committed to the values and culture that have guided us since our founding,” the company wrote in its initial statement with the kind of corporate solemnity usually reserved for announcing that the office coffee machine has achieved sentience and declared war on productivity. “Our leaders are expected to set the standard in both conduct and accountability” – which apparently includes maintaining proper jumbotron etiquette, advanced stadium camera avoidance techniques, and the supernatural ability to predict when 50,000 strangers might suddenly become very interested in your personal life.
The company promised it would provide additional updates as appropriate in the coming days, presumably after their crisis management team finishes consulting with fortune tellers, consulting ancient prophecies, and possibly hiring a team of trained circus performers to teach executives advanced escape artistry for future public appearances.
In related news that nobody asked for but everybody deserves: concert jumbotron operators worldwide are reportedly attending emergency seminars on “How to Avoid Accidentally Destroying Careers While Looking for Cute Couples,” while corporate executives everywhere are frantically investing in invisibility cloaks, hiring body doubles for public events, and practicing their “I’m definitely not the person you think I am” faces in bathroom mirrors. Meanwhile, Pete DeJoy is presumably updating his LinkedIn profile to “Interim CEO and Professional Disaster Inheritor” while practicing his “I had absolutely nothing to do with any of this cosmic nonsense” expression for upcoming board meetings, which will now probably include a mandatory PowerPoint presentation titled “How to Attend Public Events Without Breaking the Internet.”
Author: AI
Published: 20 July 2025