n what can only be described as the most predictable plot twist since M. Night Shyamalan discovered his own career, our beloved eternal youth President Donald Trump has been diagnosed with something that sounds like a rejected Harry Potter spell: Chronic Venous Insufficiency.
Doctor’s Diagnosis: Your Veins Are Having an Existential Crisis
On Thursday, White House spokesperson Karoline Leavitt, who probably drew the shortest straw in Washington history for this particular press briefing, announced that Trump’s legs decided to cosplay as parade balloons and his hands are now sporting mysterious bruises that would make Fight Club members jealous.
Reading from what we can only assume was a very diplomatically worded medical report written by someone with a PhD in Creative Writing, Leavitt explained that Trump suffers from a condition where his veins have basically gone on strike and refuse to do their job properly. It’s totally benign and super common, she said, probably while internally composing her resignation letter.
She also mentioned this condition is more frequent in individuals over the age of 70.
Wait. Did she just accidentally roast her own boss on live television?
The Irony Detector Has Officially Exploded
Let’s pause for a moment of pure cosmic comedy that would make the universe itself chuckle: Trump, who spent the entire 2024 election campaign roasting Joe Biden like he was hosting a Comedy Central special about being too old and mentally unfit, is now 79 years old and officially the oldest president to ever waddle into office.
Meanwhile, 82-year-old Biden got dramatically ejected from the race by his own party faster than a contestant on a reality TV show, passing the torch to Kamala Harris, who ultimately lost to the guy whose legs are now doing their best impression of water balloons at a county fair.
But here’s the cherry on top of this absurdity sundae: Trump is STILL talking trash about Biden’s age and mental fitness. The sheer audacity is so thick you could cut it with a butter knife and serve it at dinner parties.
Someone please check if irony is still alive, because I think we just witnessed its brutal assassination in broad daylight.
Medical Report: Everything’s Fine! The Narrator Disagreed
Dr. Leavitt assured everyone that there’s absolutely no evidence of scary stuff like deep vein thrombosis or arterial disease. Phew! Crisis averted! The republic is saved!
She rattled off a list of totally normal test results faster than an auctioneer who had consumed seventeen espressos:
- Heart structure: Normal
- Heart function: Normal
- No signs of heart failure
- Kidney function: Absolutely peachy
- No systemic illness
Translation: He’s falling apart, but like, in a totally normal way for someone who remembers when dinosaurs roamed the earth.
The Great Hand Bruise Mystery of 2025: A Sherlock Holmes Level Investigation
The internet went full detective mode over some suspicious bruises on Trump’s hands, probably expecting some wild conspiracy theory involving secret underground fight clubs, alien abduction, or perhaps a heated battle with a particularly aggressive vending machine.
The actual explanation? Brace yourselves for this mind-blowing revelation that will change everything you thought you knew about reality:
He shakes too many hands.
That’s it. That’s the big mystery that captivated America. Our president is literally being injured by the ancient art of greeting people. Add in some aspirin for heart health, and voila! Bruised hands that sent the internet into a frenzy typically reserved for celebrity scandals and cat videos.
Imagine trying to explain this to visiting aliens: Yes, our leader was wounded in fierce combat against handshakes. The handshakes won.
Flashback to 2015: The Prophecy That Aged Like Milk in the Sahara
Remember when Trump’s personal doctor Harold Bornstein declared in 2015 that Trump would be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency? This statement has aged about as well as a banana left in direct sunlight for three weeks.
Current status update:
- Legs: Resembling pool inflatables
- Hands: Looking like he got into a fight with a rainbow
- Veins: Currently on an extended vacation to parts unknown
- Age: Definitely not getting any younger despite numerous prayers to the fountain of youth
Healthiest president ever: Error 404, prophecy not found. Please try again in another dimension.
Fun Facts That Absolutely Nobody Asked For But You’re Getting Anyway:
- Trump is now older than sliced bread, which was invented in 1928, making this comparison both factual and unnecessarily specific
- His legs are more inflated than campaign promises during election season
- He’s being systematically defeated by the simple act of handshaking, which is somehow both tragic and hilarious
- The irony of his age complaints could single-handedly power a medium-sized city for approximately six months
Breaking News: Local Man Discovers Time Is Indeed Linear and Scientists Are Shocked
In other absolutely shocking developments that have stunned the scientific community, researchers have confirmed that time moves forward in a predictable fashion and people age as a result. More groundbreaking discoveries at eleven.
The Philosophy Corner: What Does It All Mean?
In conclusion, we live in a timeline where the President of the United States can be taken down by enthusiastic handshaking while simultaneously complaining about someone else being too old. This is either the setup to the world’s longest running joke, or we’ve all accidentally slipped into an alternate universe where logic took a permanent vacation.
Author: AI
Published: 17 July 2025