President Trump is definitely not your average, run-of-the-mill politician who follows boring rules and conventional wisdom. He’s more like a political wildcard that someone shuffled into the deck by accident. The world is now wandering around like a confused tourist in a particularly spooky theme park called “International Relations Gone Wrong.”
The Most Casual Phone Call About World War III
On July 4 (because apparently nothing says “Independence Day” like discussing international bombardment), in what was probably the most casually terrifying phone call since someone first suggested putting pineapple on pizza, Mr Trump rang up Ukraine’s President Zelensky with a question that would make even the most seasoned war strategist choke on their morning coffee:
“Volodymyr, can you hit Moscow? Can you hit St Petersburg too?”
It was like asking your neighbor if they could borrow some sugar and also maybe blow up the nearest major metropolitan area while they’re at it.
Mr Zelensky, clearly not one to be outdone in the casual apocalypse department, replied with the enthusiasm of someone discussing weekend barbecue plans: “Absolutely. We can if you give us the weapons.”
This exchange had all the gravity and careful consideration of two kids discussing whether they could launch their toy rockets at the moon.
A Small Technical Detail About Ending Civilization
This is not quite accurate, by the way, and I feel compelled to point out this minor technical detail before we all accidentally stumble into World War III. Ukraine could not actually hit Moscow with US missiles at the time, unless it also had the generous assistance of US troops and experts, like a particularly deadly international collaboration project.
If this theatrical disaster were to unfold, Russia would understandably view it as an American (and NATO) attack on Moscow, rather than Ukraine’s solo performance. I do not know where that delightful chain of events would end, but I have a sneaking suspicion it wouldn’t conclude with everyone sitting around a campfire singing Kumbaya. It would probably be better not to find out, like not poking a sleeping bear with a very large, very explosive stick.
Should we be mildly concerned that this might actually happen? It seems perfectly reasonable to worry, like being nervous about a toddler playing with dynamite.
The Unraveling of Presidential Restraints (A Comedy of Terrors)
Mr Trump has systematically flattened or gleefully demolished many of the traditional restraints that normally prevent US presidents from transforming into either despots or global megalomaniacs with delusions of grandeur. It’s like he’s been systematically removing all the safety features from a very dangerous piece of machinery.
Almost everyone who should theoretically stand up to him is now approximately as brave as a mouse facing a particularly hungry cat. They cower in corners and hope someone else will volunteer to bell the cat.
He veers from one policy to another with the consistency of a pinball bouncing around a machine operated by someone having an epileptic seizure. The fact that we have now been reassuringly told that the plan to bomb Moscow is officially “off the table” provides about as much comfort as being told the monster under your bed is probably just taking a nap.
Trump’s Growing War Enthusiasm (Like a Hobby Gone Wrong)
Mr Trump appears to be developing an increasingly enthusiastic appetite for warfare, like someone discovering they really enjoy a particularly violent video game. He could, if he genuinely wished, have prevented Israel from enthusiastically bombing Tehran like they were playing international whack-a-mole. He could, if he actually wanted to, halt the ongoing nightmare that is the Israeli war in Gaza, which continues with the relentless persistence of a horror movie sequel that nobody asked for.
He absolutely must know that his stealth bombing campaign against Iran failed spectacularly in its main objective, like a magic trick where the rabbit refuses to appear and the hat catches fire instead. Iran still possesses a nuclear programme with the stubborn persistence of a houseguest who won’t take the hint, so he will soon face the delightful decision of whether to try the whole bombing thing again, like a gambler convinced the next hand will definitely be the winner.
The Staggering Stupidity of It All
This entire situation is so breathtakingly, monumentally stupid that it makes a Three Stooges routine look like sophisticated international diplomacy. Anyone who was genuinely, truly concerned about Ukraine and its suffering people would be frantically trying to end this catastrophic war, not gleefully planning to expand it like some sort of military franchise operation.
Darkness is closing in on President Zelensky like storm clouds gathering for the world’s most depressing weather forecast. Ukraine has suffered casualties so appalling that they remain classified as state secrets, probably because publishing the real numbers would make everyone involved question their life choices.
The country has become entangled in corruption scandals that make its normally impressive levels of corruption look positively amateur by comparison, like corruption with a graduate degree and professional credentials.
The Silencing of Democracy (A Masterclass in Authoritarian Efficiency)
Mr Zelensky’s political opponents are increasingly being silenced through methods that would make a medieval monarch proud: lawless intimidation tactics, sweeping sanctions, and security purges conducted with the efficiency of a particularly ruthless spring cleaning operation.
Media criticism is being systematically strangled like an unwanted houseplant that someone forgot to water, except in this case, it’s being deliberately suffocated. Millions of Ukrainians have packed their bags and left the country like passengers abandoning a sinking ship, while millions more have become refugees within their own borders, wandering around like displaced characters in a tragic novel.
The economy lies in ruins with the thoroughness of a demolition project, while living standards plummet as inflation rises with the unstoppable momentum of a particularly aggressive balloon at a children’s party.
The Press Gang Comedy Hour
Press gangs now roam the streets with the casual efficiency of aggressive door-to-door salesmen, except instead of selling vacuum cleaners, they’re seizing young men and bundling them off to army service like they’re collecting overdue library books. Many of these newly recruited soldiers then desert with the enthusiasm of people escaping a particularly boring lecture, which probably tells us everything we need to know about military morale.
A Quick Reminder for the Historically Challenged
I’m not going to rehash all of this again, except to firmly defy the professional liars and deliberate misinterpreters by pointing out that I condemned the Russian invasion from day one and continue to do so with the consistency of someone who actually possesses functioning moral principles.
What I also predicted, with the prescience of someone who actually pays attention to international relations, was that Ukraine was being cynically used by other powers who cared about the country and its people approximately as much as a chess player cares about individual pawns.
These puppet masters transformed Ukraine into a convenient battering ram, allowing them to wage war against Russia without the inconvenience of actually having to fight the thing themselves. It’s like hiring someone else to have your argument for you while you watch from a safe distance with popcorn.
I rather suspect that subsequent events have proven my point with the devastating accuracy of a particularly well-aimed dart.
The Gasoline and Embers Problem
The absolute last thing we need right now is to enthusiastically pour gasoline on the still-glowing embers of what may well be the most spectacularly, catastrophically stupid war in modern history. It’s like dousing a smoldering campfire with rocket fuel because someone thought it wasn’t quite exciting enough.
This entire situation has devolved into such a magnificent display of international incompetence that future historians will probably need new categories of stupidity just to properly classify it. We’re witnessing diplomacy by tantrum, foreign policy by dart board, and military strategy by Magic 8-Ball.
The only thing more terrifying than the current situation is the possibility that someone, somewhere, thinks this is all going according to plan.
Written by someone who has been watching this international comedy of errors with the horrified fascination of a spectator at the world’s most dangerous circus performance
Author: AI
Published: 19 July 2025